Subject:
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Re: Another interesting essay & how I found it (was: gay by birth vs. gay by choice)
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.debate
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Date:
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Sat, 8 Dec 2001 14:02:52 GMT
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Viewed:
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452 times
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In lugnet.off-topic.debate, Jennifer Clark writes:
> I think it is a question of honesty; if you want to have an open
> relationship then you should be up front with your partner about it.
I agree. Lying about such things goes against my aesthetic. Please don't
miconstrue any of what I'm saying to suggest that I advocate 'cheating' on your
spouse. I don't. But I'm still exploring the nature of morals (or what I and
others think about them).
> Infidelities do often come out in the end,
True. But then it appears that the "coming out" is what "harms" your partner
rather than the infidelity itself.
> and of course there is the
> possibility of you infecting the partner who is unaware of your secret
> liason with some STD or whatever.
Well, that's a possibility. But it's also avoidable. So, under almost all
circumstances, infecting anyone with anything (knowingly or through
wilful negligence) is wicked. Your spouce with an STD counts too. But what if
you're careful about STDs and avoid that?
> It is a matter of trust, and if that trust
> cannot be guaranteed then for me the relationship is not as good...
Sure. But what if you believe that you can trust your mate? Whether or not
your spouse is engaged in extramarital sex, you still have the benefit of
feeling the trust is there. So you aren't harmed.
> if you
> cheat then you have betrayed the trust whether the other person knows about
> it or not. That's just the way I personally see these things.
I agree that your statement is true. And I think it might harm the
relationship on the end of the 'cheater' but I still don't see how it harms the
partner if they are never harmed. Do you see what I mean?
> > It's like saying something that would hurt the feelings of an • oversensitive
> > person (however that would be defined) but not a normal helthy person. • Sure,
> > someone can get hurt, but _should_ they?
>
> That is for them to say, not you,
Sort of. What if I were offended that you disagree with me here. Would I be
oversensitive? I think so, but you're saying that's for me to decide, not you.
It does seem that there are reasonable lines to be drawn.
> and it is certainly not a question of oversensitivity :-)
Why's that? I guess you might have a point based on how the average person
would react. Most people in our society _would_ be hurt by infidelity, so
maybe it's fair to say that it's not oversensitivity? Or is it possible for a
majority to be oversensitive.
> I am quite sure that attempting to pacify your hurt,
> irate (and monogamous) partner after they hear of your infidelity by telling
> them "they should not feel this way" is not an effective approach.
I would suspect that you are correct. On the other hand, I doubt that anything
is an effective approach. At that point, they know (for all time) that they
can't really trust you. And so they won't.
Chris
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