| |
Matt,
I revisited your tale and made it through the first two scenes. One point on
presentation: it would be helpful if scenes were divided by something like
asterisks (****).
Also, this sentence:
She asked, looking towards Dash, still donned in his army fatigues, rather
scuffed, his white bandanna blowing about the breeze, his hair like the
feathers of a phoenix.
...contains mostly redundant information from two sentences previous. It
makes it feel as if you haven't kept track of your own story.
The new sentence structures were easier to navigate, and I was able to get
into the dialogue.
Alas, you lost me again in the dialogue, and I gave up after Lucan skewered
Sergei. At least, I think that's what he did.
In the first scene, Dash and Skye appear to be on different sides of some
philosophical/political/social/theological divide... but I may be wrong. At
one point they seemed to be getting the "hots" for each other, but as that
trail seemed to peter out to nothing, I probably got that wrong.
In the second scene, Lucan and Sergei also seem to be split by the same
divide... but I'm not sure who's on what side. It IS clear that they don't
like each other! Is it a good thing that Lucan prevailed? I'm not sure,
since I've no idea what he stands for.
My guess is that the characters are discussing a fundamental clash of
cultures, but the thesaurus laden dialogue feels so contrived and unnatural
that the true meaning of the words is lost. Perhaps that is your intention,
in which case you have succeeded admirably in losing me.
You have obviously written a lot, and you want to say something in what
you've written, but you've given me zero incentive to dive in and ponder
what it is.
I guess I'm not your target audience. <shrug>
Alan
In lugnet.castle, Matt Hein writes:
> In lugnet.castle, Mark Jordan writes:
> > Hi Matt,
> >
> > I had a similar reaction. I couldn't find my way through your sentences. And I
> > am a very skilled reader.
>
> Okay, after a small review, I decided to edit some of the
> sentences. Most of the paragraphs were shortened, and I took
> the liberty to ameliorate the final paragraphs so they seem
> more readable.
>
> > Your poetry is fine but your sentences are too long.
> > Nah, the sentences are just too long. Your poetry
> > and meaning are obscured by the length of the sentences.
>
> True...they're rather abstruse at times...I was
> surprised to review my page to find one sentence
> nearly a page in length...
>
> > Matt, as a writer, you should think about pleasing your audience, because
> > otherwise no one will become your reader.
>
> It's rather hard sometimes to find the equilibrium
> between sentence structure and detail. Perhaps I'll
> include some more insights into character thoughts.
> Ah, I'll include these details in chapter five.
>
> > All that being said, you have created an interesting world, with good
> > characters. Keep up your writing - its definitely worthwhile.
> > Your idea of pics is a great one. I can definitely see a "comic" version of
> > your story working well.
>
> Okay, now tell me what you think...is it edited enough?
> Probably doesn't equate, still, it was a veritable
> attempt, right?
>
> Any overall comments on the characters/ scenery?
>
> Your feedback is valued.
>
> Peace out,
>
> <<_Matt Hein_>>
> Fellow lego enthusiast.
|
|
Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
|
| (...) Deleted that...upon second look, it did turn out to seem kind of repetative. (...) Well, I would only work on it for small spans at a time, leave it for a day, and arrive back at it again. Not good... (...) Actually, it's Ludan. Yeah, he won (...) (22 years ago, 18-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
|
Message is in Reply To:
| | Re: Please read this!
|
| (...) Okay, after a small review, I decided to edit some of the sentences. Most of the paragraphs were shortened, and I took the liberty to ameliorate the final paragraphs so they seem more readable. (...) True...they're rather abstruse at times...I (...) (22 years ago, 17-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
|
53 Messages in This Thread:
 
 
- Entire Thread on One Page:
- Nested:
All | Brief | Compact | Dots
Linear:
All | Brief | Compact
This Message and its Replies on One Page:
- Nested:
All | Brief | Compact | Dots
Linear:
All | Brief | Compact
|
|
|
|
