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Hi Matt,
Stuff like "terra incognito" isn't the problem.
The following:
******
“Hmm…you continue to demean such an epitome principle as rank, yet in your
stance, never waiver from its respective boundaries…” Dash spoke, as he
continued.
“If you are to emerge prevalent from conflict, you must take upon yourself
such vicarious policy so as to renounce rank, and thusly assimilate with the
common citizenry. Only then, will your fellow people question the ideals of
the aggressor, and exist in a harmonious state with the republic of Faiye…”
“And yet, you continue to apostrophize and preach to me the antics such an
intricate social phenomena…why do you not, yourself, carry arms against such
a ‘venomous’ principle?”
“I represent the nonconformist…the Egalitarian entity…I do not believe in
such frivoling so called ‘apotheosis’ as an hierarchical state…all citizens
have inherent right to their words, not just those branded worthy, as
pertaining to their theology, name and respective affiliation…” He spoke,
looking towards Skye continuing his statement.
*****
... is really, really hard to follow.
This too, is hard to follow:
*****
“Very well, Sergei…ludicrous you would despise me based on common ‘rank’…I
believe your perceptions on a class based society are in their entirety,
completely radicalized.” Ludan spoke harshly, as he eyed Sergei, continuing
his statement,
“...and negate in variance to the truth…do you not happen to find it
conflicting you speak in the same manner of that in which you claim,
oppresses the citizenry?”
****
I've noticed that you've already worked on rewriting. Now I'm starting to
understand more. Thanks.
Alan
In lugnet.castle, Matt Hein writes:
> In lugnet.castle, Alan Findlay writes:
> > Hi Matt,
> >
> > I too think that it would be a good idea to dive a bit into LOTR. Not,
> > however, to get story/character ideas. You are taking the correct path, IMO,
> > in creating your own world and creatures.
>
> Definitely...trying to be original for once,
> since I noticed the growing collections of
> fan fiction that people always seem to write.
>
> > The value from LOTR, I believe, will come from the way Tolkien writes
> > dialogue. This has been my biggest stumbling block with your story. I've
> > tackled the scene with Skye and Dash a couple of more times, and I'm still
> > confused about who's on what side of the secular/theocracy issue, or what
> > social stigma's are attributed to whom for associating with the other (clear
> > as mud?). The dialogue between Ludan and Sergei is also confusing.
>
> Guess I'm due to read Tolkein's works, then...when
> writing the dialogue, I attempted to reveal the
> arrogance of Skye to remain with the aristocracy,
> and somehow I drifted into the theocacy debate.
> That, and the whole 'society bans us from speaking'
> factor. I am seriously rconsidering rewriting the
> entire dialogue for both that selection and Ludan's
> scene.
>
> > I have no problem with a scene that is essentially dialogue, with only a few
> > references to surroundings, so I'm not trying to tell you to kill the scene.
> > Rather, I'm trying to understand it.
>
> No, I don't intend to kill the scene, since that
> would seriously throw the story off its original
> intentions.
>
> > Tolkien was able to convey through dialogue whether someone was a commoner
> > or aristocracy. It wasn't necessarily through using big words, so the
> > aristocracy was able to talk in a way that us commoners could still follow
> > the story.
>
> Still yet another incentive to delve into the
> Tolkein continguincy...I'll figure it out,
> eventually...
>
> > I would suggest for the dialogue trying a two-step process for re-writing.
> > First, have the characters speak in plain language that's easy to follow.
>
> I could replace some words and place an asterisk
> next to certain phrases, so as to signify them.
> For example, since few people know that the phrase
> 'terra incognita' means unexplored area od knowledge,
> I could place an asterisk next to it, then write
> a small entry in the index.
>
> I'll include more plain language, although I'd
> like characters like Argent, Dash and Skye to
> exhibit more flamboyant phrases. (since they
> are highly cultured.)
>
> > Second, once the message of the dialogue is clearly set out, "punch up" the
> > language a bit, sometimes through words, but also through the character's
> > attitude or posture. Try thinking a little bit of Shakespeare, just to get
> > the mood.
>
> Okay, mood, posture, facial expression, tone of voice.
> All of these seem viable enough...
> I read some Shakespeare, and If I recall, some of his
> works are equally cluttered with uncommon phrases.
> (then again, probably only the higher educated would
> read it, per se.)
>
> > Well, that's my latest two cents. Hope it has some value for you.
> > Alan
>
> As always, any comments whatsoever have value.
> Imput is always welcome.
>
> <<_Matt Hein_>>
> Fellow lego enthusiast
> O s p r e y
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| (...) Actually, Terra Incognita. Nah, it's the dialogue. And by the looks of it, I think I went rather overboard. (...) I'll try to explain these...of course, This should be rather fun. (...) Since Dash is speaking to Skye, he's basically saying (...) (22 years ago, 23-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Re: Please read this!
|
| (...) Definitely...trying to be original for once, since I noticed the growing collections of fan fiction that people always seem to write. (...) Guess I'm due to read Tolkein's works, then...when writing the dialogue, I attempted to reveal the (...) (22 years ago, 23-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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