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In lugnet.castle, Matt Hein writes:
> Hello, just checking .castle recently, and there
> didn't seem to be much activity, so I decided, why
> not unveil the next part of my online novella,
> Anachronistic Skies. The most recent addition deals
> with some rather interesting dialogue.
>
> Hope it is of some interest to the community.
>
> My recent addition. -Order of the Falcon, part three.
>
> http://www.lugnet.com/~1112/Fantasy/Osprey
>
> If you missed them earlier...
>
> http://www.lugnet.com/~1112/Fantasy
>
> Anyhow, as you can probably tell, some of these
> are turning out to be long reads, so if you have
> a few minutes, just read a small selection and
> tell me what you think. Your comments are *much*
> appreciated!
>
> Peace out,
>
> <<_Matt Hein_<<
> Fellow lego enthusiast.
>
> Also, jsut part three was several weeks worth of writing
> after school. (albeit a month, I believe.)
Superbly written Matt. You've really captured the essence of aristocracy in
the way your characters speak. I must say the amount of five dollar words in
your story signifigantly dwarfs the number in my own. However, and maybe it's
just me, and perhaps I'm just not cultured enough, I find it rather difficult
to read so many five dollar words in such rapid succession, as well as so many
similies and metaphors back to back.
Here are some points of constructive criticism from my perspective. You can
take them or leave them, I am certainly NOT an authority on story telling. To
tell you the truth I read very little, though I write much. So perhaps my
opinions are flawed from the very start. In any case:
First off, it would be helpful to break up your long sentances. I find myself
needing a break half way through some of them for lack of pause. In my
opinion, you really need to go through and replace half your commas with
periods, I think doing so would vastly improve the readability.
Secondly, while I applaud you in creating characters of high intelligence and
culture, I find their interplay to be forced. What I mean is, there are
several times where a character's response isn't very believable or meaningful,
as if they're tripping over their own use of big words.
At one point you have a character in shock and disbelief on how calm the other
is, but as she finishes her lines, the apparent emotions in her words seem to
trail off and disappear.
' "Reflecting? How could you remain so calm within times of trial such as these?
An impending war may ravage all of the province, and you remain centered and
calm? How is this possible, I might ask?" '
Maybe I'm reading too much emotion into it, and maybe this is the style you're
going for. If so, just ignore all that I've said.
And as a last point I'd like to say this. Your story could really be
something. But unfortunately, without pictures and illustrations to go along
with it, I think your story will flounder and drown in this forum. What I
suggest you do is go out and find a different forum in which to show off your
work, at least until you have the opportunity to illustrate it. If you don't
have any plans to do so, then I strongly urge you to find a different place to
showcase this story. There are many online groups where fiction such as this
is revered and given high praise, and that would be a better place for it than
here.
But that's just my 2 cents.
Don't let my criticism get you down though, like I said, it was a great bit of
writing. I am humbled by your skills.
--Anthony
Visit the Original Kingdom of Ikros
http://www.ozbricks.com/ikros
Visit the Chaos Skies
http://www.ozbricks.net/ikros/chaos.html
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| (...) Did you mean by any chance, your story dwarfs in five dollar words compared to mine, or the other way around? Hmm...^_^ (...) Thanks for the feedback. (...) Heh...I hardly read enough as is...I draw a lot of anime, though, so that's a source (...) (22 years ago, 17-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Please read this!
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| Hello, just checking .castle recently, and there didn't seem to be much activity, so I decided, why not unveil the next part of my online novella, Anachronistic Skies. The most recent addition deals with some rather interesting dialogue. Hope it is (...) (22 years ago, 16-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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