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In lugnet.castle, Alan Findlay writes:
> Matt,
>
> I revisited your tale and made it through the first two scenes. One point on
> presentation: it would be helpful if scenes were divided by something like
> asterisks (****).
> Also, this sentence:
> She asked, looking towards Dash, still donned in his army fatigues, rather
> scuffed, his white bandanna blowing about the breeze, his hair like the
> feathers of a phoenix.
Deleted that...upon second look, it did turn out to seem
kind of repetative.
> ...contains mostly redundant information from two sentences previous. It
> makes it feel as if you haven't kept track of your own story.
Well, I would only work on it for small spans at a time,
leave it for a day, and arrive back at it again. Not good...
> The new sentence structures were easier to navigate, and I was able to get
> into the dialogue.
>
> Alas, you lost me again in the dialogue, and I gave up after Lucan skewered
> Sergei. At least, I think that's what he did.
Actually, it's Ludan. Yeah, he won the battle against Sergei,
although, it wasn't technically a duel.
> In the first scene, Dash and Skye appear to be on different sides of some
> philosophical/political/social/theological divide... but I may be wrong. At
> one point they seemed to be getting the "hots" for each other, but as that
> trail seemed to peter out to nothing, I probably got that wrong.
Hmm...that's a scene I still question...I'll probably
end up replacing that as well.
> In the second scene, Lucan and Sergei also seem to be split by the same
> divide... but I'm not sure who's on what side. It IS clear that they don't
> like each other! Is it a good thing that Lucan prevailed? I'm not sure,
> since I've no idea what he stands for.
I probably should have stated that with more clarity.
Actually, it's rather misleading since Ludan leads the
aristocracy, yet he decries a citizen's order. Perhaps
I went a bit too far in description.
> My guess is that the characters are discussing a fundamental clash of
> cultures, but the thesaurus laden dialogue feels so contrived and unnatural
> that the true meaning of the words is lost. Perhaps that is your intention,
> in which case you have succeeded admirably in losing me.
> You have obviously written a lot, and you want to say something in what
> you've written, but you've given me zero incentive to dive in and ponder
> what it is.
> I guess I'm not your target audience. <shrug>
Probably not...from what I've read so far, this
project appears to be a glaring failure.
However, I'm not very discouraged. It was supposed
to be a project with side animations, so I'll probably
end up editing the text anyway. Perhaps I was utilizing
too many thesaurus words in there as well.
(well, with experience, I'll try to fix chapter five.
Again, comments are valued.)
<<_Matt Hein_>>
Fellow lego enthusiast
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| In lugnet.castle, Matt Hein writes: <snippage> (...) The only "glaring failure" would be if you stopped writing altogether. You've got something that you want to say, that's why you write. Hopefully this process is helpful for refining your delivery (...) (22 years ago, 18-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Re: Please read this!
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| Matt, I revisited your tale and made it through the first two scenes. One point on presentation: it would be helpful if scenes were divided by something like asterisks (****). Also, this sentence: She asked, looking towards Dash, still donned in his (...) (22 years ago, 18-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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