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Well, Matt, I'm not sure how much my comments will be "appreciated" as they
are going to be in the vein of "discouraging words".
I got about half-way through the second line of the first sentence, then
pretty much gave up. I scrolled down through the rest of the story, and was
discouraged to see that most sentences were of the same type as the first.
The paragraph length sentences and "five dollar words" essentially pummeled
me into submission, then booted me out.
There's a story in there, but... well, your writing style doesn't draw me
in, so I can't find it.
I don't mean to discourage you from writing, but I believe you need to edit
your thoughts into more compact images. Then let these pieces build into a
bigger picture. As it stands now, by the time I'm even half-way through one
of your sentences, I've lost track of where I started and the picture is
lost. I don't think that's what you intended to happen.
Anyway, that's my two-cents worth. Take from it what you will.
Alan
In lugnet.castle, Matt Hein writes:
> Hello, just checking .castle recently, and there
> didn't seem to be much activity, so I decided, why
> not unveil the next part of my online novella,
> Anachronistic Skies. The most recent addition deals
> with some rather interesting dialogue.
>
> Hope it is of some interest to the community.
>
> My recent addition. -Order of the Falcon, part three.
>
> http://www.lugnet.com/~1112/Fantasy/Osprey
>
> If you missed them earlier...
>
> http://www.lugnet.com/~1112/Fantasy
>
> Anyhow, as you can probably tell, some of these
> are turning out to be long reads, so if you have
> a few minutes, just read a small selection and
> tell me what you think. Your comments are *much*
> appreciated!
>
> Peace out,
>
> <<_Matt Hein_<<
> Fellow lego enthusiast.
>
> Also, jsut part three was several weeks worth of writing
> after school. (albeit a month, I believe.)
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| (...) Well, that's a shame to hear... When I write, I tend to place it in a poetic stance, however, I've seen the notion that some people prefer the more 'straightforward' type of writing, which I find rather boring. (...) You'll find (...) (22 years ago, 17-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Please read this!
|
| Hello, just checking .castle recently, and there didn't seem to be much activity, so I decided, why not unveil the next part of my online novella, Anachronistic Skies. The most recent addition deals with some rather interesting dialogue. Hope it is (...) (22 years ago, 16-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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