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In lugnet.castle, Mark Jordan writes:
> Hi Matt,
>
> I had a similar reaction. I couldn't find my way through your sentences. And I
> am a very skilled reader.
Okay, after a small review, I decided to edit some of the
sentences. Most of the paragraphs were shortened, and I took
the liberty to ameliorate the final paragraphs so they seem
more readable.
> Your poetry is fine but your sentences are too long.
> Nah, the sentences are just too long. Your poetry
> and meaning are obscured by the length of the sentences.
True...they're rather abstruse at times...I was
surprised to review my page to find one sentence
nearly a page in length...
> Matt, as a writer, you should think about pleasing your audience, because
> otherwise no one will become your reader.
It's rather hard sometimes to find the equilibrium
between sentence structure and detail. Perhaps I'll
include some more insights into character thoughts.
Ah, I'll include these details in chapter five.
> All that being said, you have created an interesting world, with good
> characters. Keep up your writing - its definitely worthwhile.
> Your idea of pics is a great one. I can definitely see a "comic" version of
> your story working well.
Okay, now tell me what you think...is it edited enough?
Probably doesn't equate, still, it was a veritable
attempt, right?
Any overall comments on the characters/ scenery?
Your feedback is valued.
Peace out,
<<_Matt Hein_>>
Fellow lego enthusiast.
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| Matt, I revisited your tale and made it through the first two scenes. One point on presentation: it would be helpful if scenes were divided by something like asterisks (****). Also, this sentence: She asked, looking towards Dash, still donned in his (...) (22 years ago, 18-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Re: Please read this!
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| Hi Matt, I had a similar reaction. I couldn't find my way through your sentences. And I am a very skilled reader. (...) Your poetry is fine but your sentences are too long. (...) Nah, the sentences are just too long. Your poetry and meaning are (...) (22 years ago, 17-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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