Subject:
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Friendships, online acquaintances, etc.
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.debate
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Date:
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Wed, 28 Mar 2001 09:46:02 GMT
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Viewed:
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241 times
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In lugnet.off-topic.debate, Daniel Jassim writes:
> In lugnet.off-topic.debate, Frank Filz writes:
> > There is some truth to this, but if one loses the major connection with
> > a friend, it is often easy for that friendship to drift away. This is
> > not necessarily a bad thing, but it is still somewhat sad. I for one
> > regret that almost all of the friendships from my youth and college have
> > gone. I kept up some friendships, but when you don't have a regular
> > opportunity to interact, it's hard.
>
> I believe a friendship truly dies when people drop their committments of
> staying in touch. Friendship is a very time intensive relationship. The time
> spent with a friend allows each one to influence the other and the context
> of that time together is the bond.
Right, of course, the more time spent together (if things work out), the
closer you'll be.
> The more time you allow to pass between
> the two of you, the further your paths diverge. In that time that passes,
> the influence is reduced, other interests are pursued, other people become
> more important, and attitudes change. When you return to that friendship,
> you can only be at the stage you left it in and hope that he/she is still
> somewhat the same person you remember.
Hmm, I agree and disagree altogether. Two weeks ago I would've agreed; but
I've just visited my hometown and saw my old friends, who I haven't had any
real time with for a year and a half (I spent a week there over the summer).
I didn't consider this visit as "real" time either (one day spent with six
different friends, I think not). But it was catch-up time, and in that short
timeframe I managed to see that as much as my friends have changed, we still
have that bond of growing up together, we've gone through a lot together, we
are still great friends even though I don't keep in touch with most of them.
I truly wish I would; but factors on both sides make that hard to do
(laziness being one of them, time difference another, etc).
Perhaps if I had been gone for much, *much* longer (i.e. ten or twenty
years) it would've been harder and perhaps impossible to do. But I'm under
the belief that in most cases, things change, and people change, but
friendships can often remain (unless something was done to screw them up).
> > While there are folks here on Lugnet that I have so far only interacted
> > with online, we have shared more than just our hobby of the brick. I'm
> > glad that Todd has provided forums for interaction other than just about
> > the brick.
>
> Exactly my point. It is the interests besides LEGO that will deepen the
> friendship.
Right, totally, both of you :-)
> > Another point: My definition of a friend over an acquaintance rests more
> > on what kinds of things you share. I have some very important friends
> > which I only see once or twice a year, and if one of us stops going to
> > the events we see each other at, the friendship is likely to wither, but
> > while we are together we can share deeply, and that is important and
> > valuable, and something which can engender a feeling of loss when the
> > paths diverge.
>
> Time is the major factor. Also, proximity and touch certainly deepen the
> interaction. Strictly online friendships can't offer that.
Hmm.... yes... but still. I have a few (precious few) really good friends
that I've never met in person. Certainly, if we had been given a chance to
meet in person, the friendship would probably deepen (although I've known
cases in which friendships kinda went away after meeting in person, which is
a shame). But that doesn't mean that online friendships are less meaningful
than real ones. I met my best friend online, and we were truly best friends
for several months before we met in person. We live pretty far apart, but
see each other whenever we can, and talk on the phone and ICQ. By *all*
means, we got closer after we met in person; but by the same token, we were
already closer to each other than to anyone else we know, long before we
met. (1)
I can bring other examples that show the contrary, like Tim Courtney, who is
a great friend of mine, but we only got really close after meeting a few
times and long hours talking on the phone.
So in general, YMMV (2). No one holds a strict definition to a friend, and
the dictionary's def. is probably stupid. (3) I really like one definition
that I found in a little book that says something like... "you find a friend
when you realize that your cup has overflown. One event does not fill a cup,
but many, drop by drop, little by little, these make your friends." (excuse
the enormous paraphrasing and probably the ruination of the sentence). I
like this definition because I believe it's true, it's hard to point at one
date when two people became friends.
Ramble over, now.
-Shiri
(1) We also became a couple later, but that is of no consequence w/r/t this
conversation ;-) And since Dan implied to keep personal life out of this,
I'm going to shush up. ;-)
(2) Tim knows what that means *now*, right? ;-)
(3) After I said that, I checked:
friend (frĕnd)
n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or
movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend. A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Number 1 is prolly the only one I agree with in this context. Acquaintances
==/== friends, and no, I'm not a Quaker. ;-)
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Message is in Reply To:
 | | Re: Keeping things in perspective
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| (...) I believe a friendship truly dies when people drop their committments of staying in touch. Friendship is a very time intensive relationship. The time spent with a friend allows each one to influence the other and the context of that time (...) (23 years ago, 27-Mar-01, to lugnet.off-topic.debate)
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