Subject:
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Re: Help with a few words - kinda urgent
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Mon, 25 Jun 2001 05:40:16 GMT
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Viewed:
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293 times
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This is gonna be way outta left field, but I thought I'd just chuck it in
anyway. (Tired of my mouse, need to type something :)
Keep in mind that it's free advice, and it's worth what you pay for it :)
Not knowing the songs, the melodies, or the cadence, I can't be of much help,
but there's one or two words that I'd change. If it were me. Just my opinion.
So anyway...
Plenty of snippage here and there, easy enough to figure out.
>
> When you’re sad
> You go to the beach,
> That’s why the sea is salty
> And it’s sad
> That you can return equipment,
> But not longing (i.e. missing someone)...
I'd replace "equipment" with "things" or "objects"
I might even swap "emotion" for "longing" - but that's just a wild guess.
> You told me yesterday
> That you dreamt about me at night
> It’s such a nice thing, to know
> That someone dreams about you
> Even if it’s a short dream
> And if it’s you –
> Then it’s even more –
> Even more nice [nicer]…
Again, don't know the melody cadence or what-have-you, but at a guess I might
be tempted to chuck in "better" or something in place of "more nice".. maybe
even a quick-speak "even better".
>
> Chorus:
> Dream [on]
> Dream [on]…
> And leave me room to hug you in the dream
> And leave me room to hug you in the dream
> And leave me room to hug you -
> In the dream.
hmmmm.. maybe "hold you" instead of "hug you".. but depends on the context of
the song.
>
> When she left,
> A rakefet [flower] grew,
Perhaps "blossom"? or if it's gotta have 3 syllables, perhaps "pretty bloom"?
(reminder - see very top of post! :)
> And a stream passed through the woods…
> An amazing fairy
"An amazing angel" might be better - especially considering line 1 of the next
stanza.
> How d’you know when you see an angel arrives,
> We ran for hours in fields of tears
> Until the night was over
> She wrote me four songs [poems] a day
If you're digging for 2 syllables, maybe "love songs".. or "sonnets", but that
might be too literary to fit.
> Signed with an arrow-cut heart;
> If that’s not a language
> Dreams of ktipha
> That fell out of the wooden box…
Yow. In your earlier post you tag it as "the material"... hmm...
Dreams of the things
That fell out of the wooden box...
?
Psh.. dunno.
There may not be too much harm in leaving a word here and there ya know. :)
Hmm.. think I snipped a bit I wanted to comment on.. let me dig it back up.
...
...
Ah yes, here 'tis.
> The jordan plays a symphony
> To the birds,
> And together, in harmony,
> They sing and play,
> And children, in series,
> In a class of prayer,
> Answer the Kinneret in song:
I'd go;
...
They sing and play,
And children, in chorus,
etc.
'cuz I'm thinking series doesn't work somehow, and I'm guessing chorus might be
a more appropriate use.
Ok, I'm done. You sounded desperate, I had some time to kill, and needed to use
the _keyboard_ for a change, and one or two things jumped out at me, so I
thought I'd use up some bandwidth. Hey, maybe I'll actually be of some help.
(ha! right!).
Aaaaanyway, happy to waste your time :D
Best of luck with someone who actually knows the songs in question!
Cheers,
KMaynes
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Help with a few words - kinda urgent
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| Hi Kevin! Since it's 3 AM and I can't sleep, I might as well reply to your message. :-) Thanks, first off, for going over this, it's good to get feedback. Here are some whys/why nots for the word choices... (...) Yup! (...) Hmmm, the reference is to (...) (23 years ago, 25-Jun-01, to lugnet.off-topic.fun)
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