Subject:
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Re: Traffic page link
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Fri, 9 Apr 1999 16:48:00 GMT
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Viewed:
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433 times
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In lugnet.off-topic.fun, Jeremy H. Sproat writes:
>
> Well, you don't have to eat the salesmen (or women) if you don't want to.
> We have quite a variety of ground-up men (or women) of many different
> professions for you to consume.
>
> Here, you will see our lovely telephone repairman (or woman) cake. And
> right next to it is a delicious fireman (or woman) cake with mint
> sprinkles. And next to that, is the Spanish Inquisition?
>
> Well, *I* didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
*ding*
A customer enters a spamcake shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for Waitangi Day.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this spamcake that you
sold me.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the whole mesquite cellular phone salesman with cajun
apricot chunks...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead salesman when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable specimen, the
California Green, idn'it, ay? Beautiful suit!
C: The suit don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cake)
'Ello, Mister Free Cigarette Lighter Adapter! I've got a lovely fresh bonus
for you if you show...(owner hits the cake)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cake!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cake repeatedly) 'ELLO SLIMY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! No roaming charges!
(Takes salesman out of the cake and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it
up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead salesman.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! California green's stun
easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That peddler is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an
hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the quality pre-owned vehicle
lot.
C: PININ' for WHAT?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The California Green prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable solicitor,
id'nit, squire? Lovely suit!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that salesman when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in the spamcake in
the first place was that it had been TOOTHPICKED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was toothpicked there! If I hadn't skewered that hack
down, it would have nuzzled up to his credit card machine, bent your wallet
apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this loser wouldn't "voom" if you offered 'im four million
free minutes! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This vulture is no more! He has ceased
to haggle! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is speeddialer! 'E's a hang up!
Bereft of carrier, 'e rests offline! If you hadn't lanced 'im to the
spamcake 'e'd be racking up the access charges! 'Is communicative processes
are now 'istory! 'E's disconnected! 'E's pressed 'is end button, 'e's
shuffled off 'is inductive coil, roaming the heavens and joined the bleedin'
management team invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-SALESMAN!!
-Tom McD.
(with applicable apologies)
when_replying_please_remove_the_spamcake.
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Message has 2 Replies:
 | | Re: Traffic page link
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| <wiping away tears of laughter> Now *THAT'S* good humor{:-D (...) I'll have the Attorney unflamé s'il vous plaît;-) (...) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISTION!!! blah, blah, blah, in the COMFY CHAIR!! (...) (26 years ago, 9-Apr-99, to lugnet.off-topic.fun)
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Message is in Reply To:
| | Re: Traffic page link
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| (...) Well, you don't have to eat the salesmen (or women) if you don't want to. We have quite a variety of ground-up men (or women) of many different professions for you to consume. Here, you will see our lovely telephone repairman (or woman) cake. (...) (26 years ago, 9-Apr-99, to lugnet.off-topic.fun)
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