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In lugnet.off-topic.debate, Dave Schuler writes:
> In lugnet.off-topic.debate, Bruce Schlickbernd writes:
>
> > I have seen an amazing parade of statements claiming I said this or that, or
> > challenging me on things I didn't say
>
> With this in mind, and in order to eliminate further confusion,I've
> compiled the following small (and by no means complete) list.
>
> On one or more occasions Bruce has claimed:
>
> 1) that he can freeze or boil water in his bare hands
But not above 6000 feet!
> 2) that he can get a single olive out of a jar with one finger
You poke your pinky into the hole - don't try and actually grab it.
> 3) that apples and oranges really *can* be compared
They are both fruits - now, apples and coproliths...
> 4) that he is responsible for all those crop circles
Just spinning my Miata in tight circles, honest officer!
> 5) that he was abducted by aliens during the summer of 1999
I was coordinating the upcoming attack with John Smallberries, actually.
> 6) that he abducted aliens during the autumn of 1999
Ah, now that's more like it!
> 7) that you don't really need vowels in your last name
Living proof of that: Schlczkbrndt.
> 8) that he invented the process by which toothpaste tubes are rolled
Patent pending.
> 9) that "Hannah" is really "Bob" spelled backwards
I'm more of a Chuck Jones kinda guy.
> 10) that time goes faster if you move really slowly
"To get anywhere, you must run twice as fast."
> 11) that he once owned a sled named Rosebud
Before Laser Discs and DVDs, I was actually able to spot the name of the
other sled that gets burned. But I forget what it was....
> 12) that the use of the word "proactive" is punishable by death
No, people who propogate viruses should be punished by death. No trial.
Drawn, hanged, quartered and mercilessly tickled.
> 13) that he can bend his elbows in either direction
But only once.
> 14) that he personally witnessed the sinking of Titanic
I was driving the iceberg in a steady fashion, officer, when this luxury
liner jumped out from behind a tree.
> 15) that he can dog-paddle for hours at a time
But not if I'm in water.
> 16) that Ginzu knives aren't really as sharp as the commercials say
I always find these things at rental condos at Mammoth. They couldn't cut
warm butter.
> 17) that he has a signed original copy of "On The Road"
Lost it in a poker game with Elvis, Judge Crater and Fox Mulder.
> 18) that he voted for Pierce in the election of 1852
I always vote for losers (wags will point out that I voted for Clinton).
> 19) that it is best to Buy Low and to Sell High
What's good for the President is good for me - though I can't afford the
drugs he could.
> 20) that chicken bones should not be given to dogs
Unless you don't like the dog.
> 21) that his first name is an anagram of "cherub"
That's just short for Chernabog.
> 22) that he used to work at a lumbermill in Wisconsin
Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
> 23) that clowns and mimes should be watched with suspicion
My very good friend, Sam Suspicion. Comes from an acting family (this is
SoCal, remember).
> 24) that he is invisible when no one is looking at him
My co-workers fell over laughing at this one.
> 25) that toads are smarter than frogs
Which isn't saying a whole lot.
> 26) that his teeth are constantly replaced, like a sharks
Crowns. I grind the poor things to powder.
> 27) that celophane can be used to make inexpensive under-garments
Makes you walk a little funny, though.
> 28) that rock does not beat scissors, nor does paper beat rock
The rock was pumice, but shaped as an arrow-head.
> 29) that he was overlooked in the 1998 NFL draft
I came out of college early, too. All the agents mumbled something about
being middle-aged, nevertheless. I could see the ball perfectly fine with
my bifocals!
> 30) that DNA evidence has completely exonerated him
Thank heavens Monica actually washed that dress.
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Message is in Reply To:
 | | Re: Go ahead, make my day!
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| (...) With this in mind, and in order to eliminate further confusion,I've compiled the following small (and by no means complete) list. On one or more occasions Bruce has claimed: 1) that he can freeze or boil water in his bare hands 2) that he can (...) (23 years ago, 25-Jul-01, to lugnet.off-topic.debate)
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