Subject:
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Interpretation of history
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Tue, 30 Oct 2001 01:09:51 GMT
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Viewed:
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131 times
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With all the talk of historical events in .debate, I thought you might all
appreciate the following interpretations of history. Sorry about the
formatting.
WARNING: Do not read these with food or drink in your mouth, or if you're doing
something that could result in damage or injury to yourself or others!!
> History Of The World According To Actual Grade School
> Student
> Exam Papers!
>
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
> wrote in
> Hydraulics.
> They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
> Camelot. The
> climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have
> to live
> elsewhere.
>
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where
> they made
> unleavened bread which is bread made without any
> ingredients.
> Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
> commandments.
> He died before he ever reached Canada.
>
> 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
> porcupines.
>
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
> without them
> we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A
> Myth is a
> female moth.
>
> 5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
> another man of that
> name.
>
> 6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
> giving
> people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
> overdose of
> wedlock. After his death his career suffered a
> dramatic decline.
>
> 7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History
> calls
> people Romans because they never stayed in one place
> for long.
>
> 8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
> battlefields of
> Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they
> thought he
> was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee
> hee, Brutus'
>
> 9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
> by Bernard
> Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should
> be hanged twice
> for the same offense.
>
> 10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow
> through an apple
> while
> standing on his sons head.
>
> 11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen
> she was a
> great success. When she exposed herself before her
> troops they all
> shouted, "hurrah,"
>
> 12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> Gutenberg
> invented removable type and the Bible. Another
> important invention was
> the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
> historical
> figure because he invented cigarettes and started
> smoking. And Sir
> Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
> clipper.
>
> 13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
> Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
> on his
> birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
> because
> of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
> hysterectomies, all in
> Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of
> a heroic
> couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
>
> 14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> Cervantes.
> He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
> Milton. Milton
> wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
> Paradise Regained.
>
> 15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the
> English
> put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send
> their parcels
> through
> the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the
> war and no
> longer
> had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13
> states formed the
> contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and
> Benjamin Franklin
> were two singers of the declaration of independence.
> Franklin
> discovered
> electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
> declared, 'A horse
> divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in
> 1790 and is still
> dead.
>
> 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
> compositions and had
> a large number of children. In between he practised on
> an old spinster
> which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
> the present.
> Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so
> was Handel.
> Handel was half German and half Italian and half
> English. He was very
> large.
>
> 17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
> was so
> deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
> forest even when
> everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
> 1827 and later
> died from this.
>
> 18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
> thoughts
> and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
> started
> reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam
> boat caused a
> network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
> invented the
> McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
>
> 19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
> Darwin was
> a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
> Madman Curie
> discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark
> Brothers.
>
> 20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of
> the
> Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the
> anals of
> human history.
>
>
> So now you know....
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Message has 2 Replies:
 | | Re: Interpretation of history
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| (...) This is semi-apocryphal; call it a quasi-UL. It's been around for some time--the addition of numerals before the points is the part that's new to me. (AFAIK, that was added this year.) The original is at least 25 years old, and probably older; (...) (23 years ago, 30-Oct-01, to lugnet.off-topic.fun)
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