Subject:
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Re: Manic Ramblings-World Altering Events Through Depression's Eyes
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.debate
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Date:
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Thu, 13 Sep 2001 15:30:31 GMT
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Viewed:
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178 times
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Dave I too feel your fustration. I have a bit of vigilante in me. I have
spoke in front of City Hall a number of times when I felt it was necc. to
get my opinion out and make my voice heard.
In a situation like this we are helpless in that regard. We are however
dependant on our inner resolve at this time. I felt this comming from your post.
The problem my friend is that good people like us have a concience and we
know that what has happened is unforgivable.
I have a saying that helps me in ussual circumstance that we may apply to
what we are going thru.
When things are bad they are bad, give yourself some credit because they are
indeed bad. (I cleaned that up for the sake of politeness-it does'nt quite
sound the same.)
In essence when somthing has gone wrong, it not that we are dwelling on it,
rather that we recognize the levity of the situation.
Dave you know you are a freind of mine and we had such a great time over the
weekend. We all were so happy. We had some of the most memorable times of
our lives- as admitted by all involved.
We went from emotional highs to utter disbeleif. Needless to say it's
unhealthy to go from such extremes.
Dave I to suffer from the same condition. I stay up late and don't always do
what I should. I don't like to admit it, but I try to deal. I thank my lucky
stars for the fun we had and that I came home a day before all of this
happened. A well I know we almost had the Lugola meeting this week rather than
last week. I may have been on one of those flights I don't know if you
realize that but this was too close for comfort.
Currently I am at work and we are engaged on a conference call with all the
major wireless carriers. All involved are setting up Mobile Cell towers
called "CoWs" ; Cell on Wheels at ground zero. They all are pointing the
units into the ruble and we are getting calls from people trapped in the
ruble. We have to do call trace and triangulation to determine where the
call is comming from and get the info to those who can help try to rescue
them. You can't get any more real than this.
Although I still feel helpless, I know that I am indirectly involved in
saving lives. It's really scary. Chin up we are all doing the right thing.
Regards
Your friend,
Eric
In lugnet.general, Dave Johann writes:
> Hello, as some of you are aware, I am a manic depressive. Building helps me deal
> with this. I've never revealed much about myself before and to those who choose
> to ignore my long post: I respect that. The past two days have dredged up some
> of the deepest thoughts of depression that I've ever faced. I've written much of
> it down to see where it takes me. I hope you find it illuminating and can take
> something positive away with you. I apologize in advance for the rambling nature
> of this post. Please forgive me if I don't respond to all follow-ups.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> WARNING: The following are the thoughts of a man who fights the demons of manic
> depression on a daily basis.
>
> Well, It took sleeping a restless sleep most of yesterday for me to come to
> grips with the tragedy we've all just faced. I've come to the conclusion that
> there are two paths we as a nation can take here: wither and die, or grow and
> learn. I chose to grow and learn. You see, I've faced a variant of this fear
> once before in my life. I didn't cope well with it then and I refuse to repeat
> my earlier mistake.
>
> I was 18 and just starting college. I was already deep inside one of my deeper
> depressions and had come within inches of killing myself due to the despair of
> growing up without a visible future ahead of me. Other things made this
> depression worse, but I won't go into that. I took a job with Dominos Pizza just
> to make a quick buck. The money was good, but I had no idea of the potential
> danger. Two months into the job I took an order that would change my life. I
> delivered the order at 11:45 pm. As I was walking up to the residence, I saw
> something glint out of the corner of my eye. It turned out to be a shotgun that
> was pressed against my left temple. 'Drop the food!' Dropped. 'Drop the cash
> belt!' Dropped. 'Turn to your right, run up the street and don't turn around or
> I'll blow your f###ing head off!'. Ran like the wind, I did. I turned a corned,
> found a payphone and hid in the bushes until the L.A.P.D. showed up. I remember
> being more afraid then at any other time in my life. The following two weeks
> were sheer hell as I refused to work nights and was paranoid that even the
> daylight customers would attempt to rob me. I realized that even though I was
> suicidal, I wanted to leave the planet on my terms and no one elses. That
> started me on my recovery from my depression. It took years, but I eventually
> left my fears behind me.
>
> Cut to September 11th, 2001-6:03 AM PST: The phone rings and it's my brother-in-
> law in Cincinnatti telling me to turn on the TV. Huh? I reach for the remote and
> turn click the power button. 'World Trade Center hit by Airliner' was the
> caption. I'm wiping the sleep out of my eyes when tower #2 is hit and explodes
> out the backside. I'm stunned. My wife is crying as she gets ready for work. She
> just wants me to contact her as soon as I hear from her sister who frequently is
> in the WTC. I tell her that I'll keep her informed as soon as I hear anything at
> all. I move to my home office to turn on the TV and the computer. Tower #2
> collapses. Tower #1 isn't far behind. By this time, I'm nearly catatonic with
> disbelief. A plane has hit the Pentagon. A plane has crashed near Camp David. It
> was then that I realized what the date was-September 11th, the 23rd anniversary
> of the Camp David Peace Accords. Someone is clearly sending us a message and the
> news confirms who I thought it might be-Bin Laden. I can't help feeling that
> this is just the beginning of the tragedies that will be heaped upon us this
> day. I can't shake the feeling of foreboding, but I need to be useful right now.
> I spend much of the day as the family phone hub. Everyone calls-including my
> sister-in-law who was luckily in Jersey. She wasn't supposed to be though. She
> blew off an appointment in the WTC because she wasn't feeling well. Thank
> goodness! The rest of my time is spet posting to LUGNET or trying to gather info
> from swamped news sites. I'm feeling very tired, very old, very down. I decide
> to rest. I don't need to keep up this pace-others are doing well keeping
> Lugneters informed. The next few hours are a blur of dreams of autrocities.
> Visions of historical madness mixed in with current events. In my dreams I'm
> convinced that today is the end. Not of me, but of everything. I wake up
> screaming that this won't happen. IT WON'T! I spend the rest of my day with a
> sick feeling in my stomach. I realize that it is hatred. Pure, raw, burning
> hatred. Hatred for fanatics, for those who would strip me of my freedom. A
> hatred that makes me want to destroy anyone I feel might try to do evil. I need
> to calm down. I meditate for the next hour...it's not even close to effective,
> and I now know why. The hatred has burned all the depression I've ever felt
> away. I can't feel pain anymore, I can only inflict it. The feeling is
> magnificent, but misguided. I know I can't stay like this, but it feels right
> somehow.
>
> Cut to today: I wake up oddly energized. I don't understand what is happening to
> me, so I'm writing my thoughts out to put them in perspective. I'm publishing
> them to see reactions from others and to let them know I understand. The
> following was written by me earlier today and didn't seem to fit with the rest,
> but seemed neccessary somehow.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Terrorists won't get me in their grip. I refuse to be afraid. I refuse to back
> down. I have lived with the feeling of someone holding a gun to my head against
> my will and I didn't care for it much. I won't allow the terrorists to do this
> to me again. I won't relive my life of despair no matter how hard it is to
> fight.
>
> 9/11 will forever be remembered...but not for the reasons everyone thinks. It's
> the day a nation came together and said, 'I will NOT be victimized. I will NOT
> lay down and be considered weak. I will NOT be raped by those who take pleasure
> in my pain'. 9/11 is the day we mourned for those lost to us. 9/11 is the
> anniversary of Camp David Peace Accords. It is NOT the day the terrorists won.
> They will never win, as their cause is wrong; diabolic to the core.
>
> Take from this vile act what you will. I take from it the resolve to NEVER back
> down, to fight injustice and the religious fervor of lunatics following a Jyhad
> against me and mine.
>
> If those who would strike terror in our hearts think we were supportive of
> Israel and other nations with 'just causes' before September 11th, 2001 then
> they truly don't understand just how supportive we can be. If they truly want to
> die for their cause, I say use them for target practice. Terrorism? I laugh at
> it's futility!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Please don't think that I'm cracking up, or that I will do something I'll
> regret. It won't happen. My support system is too strong. If anything good came
> out of yesterday for me, it's that I have been shocked back to reality. I no
> longer feel the need to die. I have a purpose for living, though I don't fully
> know what it is.
>
> Please see what you can take from this tragedy and see how you can turn it into
> something positive like a will to live. Let us all know what is happening to
> you.
>
> -Dave Johann
> LUGNET Member #524
> Founding Member: LUGOLA
>
> HardCore's Haven
> http://members.home.net/legomecha/index.html
>
> Beyond Bionicle: Lego Mecha Creations
> http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/legomechaforum
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