Subject:
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Official Transcript: Court-martial of Grand Admiral Muffin Head
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.space
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Date:
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Mon, 26 Mar 2001 22:56:12 GMT
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Galactic High Court
Armed Services Division
System: Tengul
Planet: Tengul-3A
Transcript follows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[BAILIFF TIMMY]: All rise! This session of the Tengul Galactic High
Court is now in session. The court-martial of Grand Admiral Muffin
Head will now proceed, with the honourable self-appointed Magistrar
Kyle D. Jackson presiding.
[KDJ]: You may be seated. We are here to press the court-martial
of Grand Admiral Muffin Head. The Grand Admiral is accused of
manipulating official communication frequencies for his own personal
jollies. As the first official victim of his evil mis-deeds, I
have invoked an obscure ancient right to declare myself as Executioner,
Jury, and Judge (only if necessary) of the Grand Admiral's fate. And
don't bother to look that up in a law book---owing to the side
effects of a temporal implosion in the RTL star system, I haven't
written it yet. But trust me, it's ancient.
Bailiff Timmy, place the Guilted One in the Ceremonial Wok!
<Whack..., thud!>
[GAMH]: Ow! Hey, chill dude!
[KDJ]: Grand Admiral Muffin Head, do you promise to beg for your life
so long as you live?
[GAMH]: Well, uh...
[KDJ]: Hey! Was I talkin' to you?! Sit yo' butt down!
Grand Admiral, you stand guilty of zestfully and woefully using
official comm channels to manipulate the feeble minds of all of
the Timmys and Jar-Jars in Tengul.
[GAMH]: Hey, wait a sec! Don't you have to *prove* that I'm guilty??
[KDJ]: Heck no. The concept of 'innocence' got abolished after the
"Equal Rights for all Defendents" movement of 2008. I'd tell you
to look it up, but that hasn't happened yet either.
Anyhoo..., by protocol you must be asked to admit your guilt.
[GAMH]: If I'm already guilty, what's the point of asking??
[KDJ]: It determines whether or not we'll validate your parking.
[GAMH]: Oh. Good to know.
[KDJ]: Grand Admiral Muffin Head, did you order the transmission?!
[RANDOM TIMMY]: You don’t have to answer that question!
[GAMH]: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?
[KDJ]: I think I’m entitled.
[GAMH]: You want answers?!
[KDJ]: I want the truth!
[GAMH]: You can’t handle the truth!!
<Sounding oddly like the 20th century's Jack Nicholson>
Son, we live in a galaxy that has borders and those borders
have to be guarded by minifigs with guns. Who’s gonna do it?
You? You, Jar-Jar Binks?!
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You weep for Tengul and you curse the Muffin Heads. You have
that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I
know---that Tengul’s manipulation, while tragic, probably made
people laugh. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible
to you, makes people laugh.
You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you
don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that border, you need
me on that border. We use words like ‘Spamcake’, ‘Spiffcraft’,
‘Fleebnork’. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent
defending something. You use them as a punchline!
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to
a minifig who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very
freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I
provide it! I would rather you just said ‘thank-you’ and went
on your way. Otherwise I suggest you saddle up a ship, and patrol
a waypoint. Either way, I don’t give a toot what you think you
are entitled to!
[KDJ]: Yeah whatever. Did you order the transmission?
[GAMH]: I did the job...
[KDJ]: Did you order the transmission?!
[GAMH]: You’re darn-tootin' I did!! BWAAH-WAA-HAAAA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAHHHHHH-HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!!!
BWAAAAAAHHHHHHH-HHHHHHAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!!!
BWAAAAAHHHHH-HHHHAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
But I digress.
[KDJ]: Grand Admiral, we are not going to validate your parking.
[GAMH]: What?!! I’m gonna rip the eyedots off your head, and
spit in your hollow stud!! You fleebnorked the wrong Muffin Head!!!
[KDJ]: Silence!! Grand Admiral Muffin Head, after months of
deliberation...
[GAMH]: ??!
[KDJ]: ...I have decided upon your fate. I hereby wherewith
for-to-under side-by-each and not-too-close-apart do decree
that, effective immediately, your rank is busted down to that
of 1st Lieutenant, Fleebnork Division.
[1LFDMH (formerly GAMH)]: NNNNNNNNnnnnnooooooooooo!!!!...
[KDJ]: Furthermore, you are reassigned to serve aboard the
T.C.S. Dumbstruck under the command of Captain Timmy, and
reporting directly to Staff Sergeant Jar-Jar Binks.
[1LFDMH]: AAAAaarrrRRRrrrgggghhhh!!!!...
[CAPTAIN TIMMY]: Sweet!
[STAFF SERGEANT JJB]: Meesa doe-know wha' anyboda's sayin'.
[KDJ]: And finally, you will suffer a 5% reduction in salary.
[1LFDMH]: NNNnn..., well okay.
[KDJ]: However, owing once again to temporal anomalies, the
T.C.S. Dumbstruck has not yet been constructed, though it
has been commissioned. So you are hereby ordered to design
and build the T.C.S. Dumbstruck so that you may take your
assigned post.
Aside from your fleebnork duties aboard the Dumbstruck, you
are ordered to design and construct other contraptions such
as space ships, space trains, space castles, and ceremonial
woks. You must present these creations to an open committee
of Tengulians via comm channel TENGUL.SPACE. With each
creation presented, the Tengulians will decide if it merits
an increase in your rank. Only through diligence, hard work,
bribery, and some divine intervention will you be able to
regain your rank of Grand Admiral.
[1LFDMH]: Dude, this sucks...
[KDJ]: Don't make come over there'n'smack you.
This Court is now adjourned..., and just in time for supper!
Yeeeaaaaabba-Daaabba-DOOOooooo!!!
[BAILIFF TIMMY (peering out a view portal)]: Hey, is that someone's
Spiffcraft being towed?
[1LFDMH]: Aw man...
End of Transcript.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KDJ
_________________________________________________
TENGULer #203, Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Tengul-3
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