| |
In lugnet.off-topic.test, Matt Hein writes:
> Is this some sort of joke?
Oh, how I wish. Dan can be SO cruel at times.
> What is "rateme" anyways?
I'll tell you, but it ain't pretty.
Rateme is an obscure gourmet dish from Finland. It had enjoyed some
notoriety largely due to the popularity of fanatical rateme fan Torsten
Stålhhandske in the 1630s, but was dismissed by Queen Christina as
"unpleasant" in the early 1640s. It was swept under the rug of history over
the past few centuries, and was officially abolished during the Soviet
occupation in the 1960s. There is some concern for public well-being when
reteme is involved, as it has the capability of clouding a civilized mind in
seconds, and has an uncanny staying power amongst the more rabid soccer
fans. Indeed, police in nearby Sweden are instructed to fire upon anyone
suspected of having ingested rateme at soccer matches. Due largely to its
propensity towards soccer game violence (not to mention its full,
aggessively "gamey" flavor) there is a small but growingly vocal movement to
revive it in Scotland, where the star of haggis is fortunately in descent.
How does one describe rateme? There are several variants, the most
palatable of which I'll describe here. It is a full-flavored, gelatanous
paste, gray with a bluish tinge. Most rateme has a slightly gritty texture
which reminds one of sand, but it is possible to find some with a more
smooth consistency. The smell is truly overpowering; some farmers use bags
of it hanging from trees to ward away wolves and door-to-door salesmen.
Rateme has a tremendously long shelf-life, even unrefrigerated, as most
pests would rather eat themselves than sample rateme. There are anecdotal
reports of cocaine-addicted chimpanzees preferring to quit cold turkey than
to take cocaine that had been stored next to an open container of rateme,
though such reports have not been confirmed independently.
How does one go about making some rateme? As its name implies, the primary
ingredient is in fact a rat, though the rest of the recipe is very close to
that of oriental fish sauce, and may have been a precursor to lutefisk.
Common sewer rats can be used, but the good General Stålhhandske is said to
prefer the smaller, plumper attic rats for their fat content.
So: take the rat, shave the hair away for later use, and grind it entirely
with a granite block. (Substitute marble for the non-gritty varient, though
some go so far as to use limestone for that "true grit" texture.) Take the
drippings and ferment them for a good year. Wash with lye. Boil in salt
water for a day. Dry. Fold in original rat hair and ferment some more; a
month ought to do it though some prefer another year or so. Serve smeared
on a cracker, with a generous amount of booze to help kill the small colony
of gut-eating bacteria you've just ingested as well as the taste. Calling
an ambulance is not necessary, though is considered to be in good form.
It has been noted that rateme is best served to guests whom you have been
thinking unpleasant thoughts of.
Rateme may be ready for a comeback, however. Rateme makes an excellent pest
repellent for hunters in the brush, and there are rumors that Bridgestone is
ready to announce a rateme-based sealant gel for use in aircraft landing
gear tires. Already you can find rateme in large US beauty supply stores
for use in exfoliating. I wouldn't jump at the chance to sample some soon,
however; the FDA has so far refused to allow rateme in consumer food products.
Cheers,
- jsproat
|
|
Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: rateme!
|
| What the?! Now that's nasty! People can come up with some of the oddest stuff, but this takes the cake. I think I just lost my thanksgiving appetite... Blah! Okay, feel better now, I think...I was better off not knowing, though... People in obscure (...) (23 years ago, 22-Nov-01, to lugnet.off-topic.test)
|
Message is in Reply To:
16 Messages in This Thread:
 
 
- Entire Thread on One Page:
- Nested:
All | Brief | Compact | Dots
Linear:
All | Brief | Compact
This Message and its Replies on One Page:
- Nested:
All | Brief | Compact | Dots
Linear:
All | Brief | Compact
|
|
|
|
