Subject:
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This will probably get me killed.
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Tue, 21 Nov 2000 09:11:06 GMT
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Highlighted:
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(details)
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"Letter from the Queen of England Received by New York Times 11/15/00
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon.
Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85 percent of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary." Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the
Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up halfway through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every
20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4 is no longer a public holiday. November 8 will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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