Subject:
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Re: Advice from teens' parents?
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.debate
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Date:
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Mon, 21 May 2001 16:57:32 GMT
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Viewed:
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162 times
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Well, I'm a parent of a 17-yr-old girl, so I'll take a stab at this...
> What, in your opinion, *as a parent*, are the best and the worst things • your
> son or daughter can do to show you they are responsible and mature young
adults?
Worst? Leaving aside the earth-shattering things like killing someone in the
car when drunk, coming home pregnant, etc, and just looking at everyday
stuff - Lie (and get caught, obviously, since I wouldn't know otherwise!);
break promises; do drugs; throw tantrums...
Best: be trustworthy (truthful, keep promises), listen to and take seriously
what parents say (even if you don't agree, or don't take the advice); talk
to parents rationally and clearly and frequently (keep us informed, let us
know what's happening in your life and how you're feeling); take the future
seriously (not solemnly or joylessly - just seriously, as if it mattered!).
> What kinds of discussions or talks or arguments convince you that your
> children was right? Are they *ever* right? Do you *ever* concede? If so, • how
> did your teen convince you/prove you wrong?
At this point, (age-wise), family history has far more to do with how talks
turn out than an individual talk, because everyone has so many expectations
and assumptions based on previous experience. If that's been unpleasant or
unsuccessful, it's very hard to turn around. I am lucky in that Liz and I
have always had, and continue to have, rational discussions about important
things, ever since she was very tiny. Doesn't mean she doesn't get herself
in an emotional tizzy sometimes (though that's improved a lot this past
year), but then it's part of *my* job to wait out the storm, NOT have a
yelling match, and make sure we have the rational part of the conversation
later on. We can do that partly because she knows it's safe to do so: I do
listen to her and make the effort to understand her point of view, and she
knows that even if I don't agree with her I won't jump all over her, put her
down, yell, and come the Victorian paterfamilias. (OTOH, the other half of
the family - my ex and new spouse - are very traditionally Brit style, and
they complain she won't talk to them. Surprise - I've heard them having
discussions and their basic attitude is that she is always wrong, whatever
she does or says, and she has given up saying anything as a result).
Yes, sometimes she's right. Sometimes I do concede, if she can convince me
by logical, rational discussion - ever since she was old enough to talk
(yes, even that young, she could get me to change my mind if she could
convince me she was right. No, that didn't result in whining for candy at
the checkout stand, incessant arguments, etc). I don't set up to be perfect
or all-knowing, and there are areas where she knows more than I do.
It's harder to turn things around when there's already a problem (as it
sounds like you're experiencing), or if the family isn't used to working
this way. I recommend Stephen Covey's "7 Habits" books - he has one
specifically for families, and his son Sean has written one for teens, and
they might be useful to give you and your family some common ground to start
from in trying to have respectful, productive discussions, if that's not
happening right now.
Best of luck
Kevin
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