Subject:
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Star Trek Humor. What the REAL use of Windows is...
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Thu, 1 Feb 2001 20:23:35 GMT
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Viewed:
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133 times
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Windows 95 Vs. The Borg
Picard
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?"
Geordi
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."
::Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen::
Riker looks puzzled.
"What the heck is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer.
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
'Windows,' through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command
unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing
systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough.
Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will
be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'
idea."
--15 Minutes Later--
Data
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit
and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however
have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to
compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate
for their increase."
Picard
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we
have missed."
Data
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.
Riker
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape
sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard
"Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard
"Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
--Two Hours Pass--
Riker
"Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
Geordi
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit
more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard
"How much time will that buy us?"
Data
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6
more hours."
Geordi
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard
"Identify."
Data
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."
Over the speakers
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE
POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
Data
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
Riker
"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship
with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data
"I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
Twenty-first Century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and they are
wearing Armani suits."
Riker and Picard together, horrified
"Lawyers!!"
Geordi
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun
in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data
"True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."
Data
"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often
proves fatal."
Riker
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.
I found it. LOL.
Rick
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