Subject:
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Re: Alternative authors' versions of Lord of the Rings
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.fun
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Date:
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Sat, 8 Feb 2003 17:04:36 GMT
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Viewed:
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733 times
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In lugnet.off-topic.fun, Larry Pieniazek writes:
> http://www.flin.demon.co.uk/althist/auth.htm
The Bernard Cornwall is all wrong. WARNING FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, STOP
READING NOW:
***** ***** ***** *****
Blood and brains splashed wetly onto Aragorn as Anduril plunged deep into
the skull of an orc captain. The spangen-style helm of the orc, constructed
of triangular plates reinforced by cheap iron bands and riveted together,
was no match for the superior elf-forged mithril blade of the Flame of the
West. Aragorn had to put his foot onto the corpse's chest and pull hard to
free the blade. Sparks showered as the sword slid free from the sundered armor.
Another orc was pushed forward by the ranks pressing eagerly behind.
Aragorn loped off it's sword arm, stepped forward and then silenced it's
howls of agony as he punched the guard of his sword into the Orc's face,
breaking it's jaw. Another replaced that orc, then another. It was a vast
sea of shields bearing the White Hand. Too many, he knew, too many.
Then he heard the weird elvish battle-cry of Gandalf and he dropped to his
stomach. Just in time, as he felt the heat of Gandalf unloading his
six-barreled staff. Flesh was scorched and ripped apart as the weapon cut a
huge swath through the orcish ranks. A mist of blood and body parts began
to rain down. There was a stunned moment of silence and Aragorn knew they
were wavering. Now was the moment to seize the field!
"Kill the bastards! Kill them all!" he cried.
***** ***** ***** *****
I mean, a Bernard Cornwall satire without a "Kill the bastards!" C'mon!
;-)
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