Subject:
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Re: Advice from teens' parents?
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Newsgroups:
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lugnet.off-topic.debate
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Date:
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Mon, 21 May 2001 13:08:25 GMT
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Viewed:
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196 times
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In lugnet.people, Shiri Dori writes:
> (XFUT o-t.debate, this is a little about people but has nothing to do with lego)
>
>
> This question is addressed mostly to those among you who are parents -
> especially parents of teens.
>
> What, in your opinion, *as a parent*, are the best and the worst things your
> son or daughter can do to show you they are responsible and mature young adults?
>
> What kinds of discussions or talks or arguments convince you that your
> children was right? Are they *ever* right? Do you *ever* concede? If so, how
> did your teen convince you/prove you wrong?
>
> TIA
> -Shiri
Ok, I'll take a shot, since I'm actually in the target group that Shiri asks
about.
*Insert Big Disclaimer here: I am by no means a super great parent.*
Some of you here may remember my son if you attended Brickfest last year.
He's was then (and for the most part) an average kid as far as being a
"responsible and mature" person. The things that distinguished him them and
stick out now on the positive side, were his willingness to volunteer to
take on a responsibility, (an example of this would be that he volunteered
countless hours to sit at the registration desk at Brickfest, so that us
"adults" could go have fun. (That kind of blew me away at the time.) It
wasn't a one time deal either, he sat the 'desk' many times on all 3 days.
Accademically, my son is somewhat of an under-acheiver. He's a freshman in
High School now, and he has been less than stellar so far. I have always let
him know though that his work now could lead him to something far better
than the life that I'm providing him now, (I didn't take my parents advice
very well, though I completed High School on time, and have had a somewhat
distinguished military service so far). I've always made the attempt to
translate what you actually prepare for and what could be the reward for
doing so, though to be honest, I keep it a little on the cynical side to
ensure that he doesn't expect that 'the world will kiss his feet and he only
ends up with a pat on the back.' He came to me recently and said that it
was his intention to make a real effort to get straight 'A-s' for his last
quarter. Blew me away again. I don't know if he'll actually be able to do
it, nor do I *really* expect that he will. It's the thought that he would
try to do it for himself that shows me he is moving forward.
On the other hand, he's still a kid. I allow him to do things that are
appropriate with his age,(the things that I actually know about, that is). I
don't keep him on a leash, though I do keep tabs on him. You get to know a
lot of people when you are in the military, and you live on base for as long
as I have. He knows that if he's stepping out of line that it will have
disasterous results to his 'sense' of freedom. Keeping him on a 'leash' only
would delay the social and cultural rules that he needs to learn to be a
good and productive person in society. And, like it or not, if he does only
half of what I did as a teenager, I'll feel ok about it, as I was not an
angel by any stretch of the imagination.
The things that show me he's still got a looong way to go still, are little
things; keeping up his personal living space, helping keep up our common
space. Keeping up your accademic grades at the potential that, not just you
as a parent knows that they are capable of, but that they know that they are
capable of. I'll have to deal with the outside job issue soon. He's already
hitting me with his desire for having his own earned money. Over the course
of the next few months (before he'll actually be allowed to try to find a
job) I'm going to be making the attempt to reinstill firmly that a job for
money now, should not superceed his primary job of preparing himself for the
bigger picture, (school, collage, etc.)
My thoughts overall are, that by the time your kid is at the 16-17 year
point, if you haven't taught them what they need to know by now, you can
forget about trying to influence/teach them anything else. As a parent, you
are just the 'safety net' in case they fall off the 'highwire' out there in
the big world. And the older the 'kid' gets, the less soft the landings
should be. It really should hurt sometimes when they hit it. You don't learn
by being coddled. Sometimes (for me) the greatest indication of maturaty is
how my kid reacts to hitting the hard surface of reality. Does he fuss and
moan about his perdicament, or does he suck it up (take responsiblity) and
move on or ask me if he could have done something to avoid it. Or, more
importantly, come and ask ahead of time what he can do to avoid something
unpleasent in the first place. So far, the latter portion (asking what he
can do to avoid something unpleasant) is becoming more of the norm.
Anyway, just my incoherent ramblings early in the morning. Take them for
what they are worth.
Rich
--
Have Fun! C-Ya!
Legoman34
*****
Legoman34 (Richard W. Schamus)... (My views do not necessarily express the
views of my employer...)
BRICKFEST 2001 IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER... START MAKING PLANS TODAY.
Card carrying LUGNET MEMBER: #70
Visit http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Castle/1334
...(the wait is over...)
..."The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." ...
*****
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