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In lugnet.general, Paulo Caparica Junior wrote:
> Lego is evil:
>
> http://home.earthlink.net/~lsontag/index.htm
Reprinted here so we can keep it on Lugnet forever.
Legos, Legos Everywhere
by Laurie Sontag
I hate LEGO. It's evil. Sure, LEGO sounds innocent and educational--but it
isn't. Those little building bricks are pure purveyors of evil.
First, LEGOs multiply. I once bought Junior a kit with a spaceman--and only a
spaceman--in it. Within a week, that LEGO had morphed into an entire Martian
village complete with aliens, a space family and a newfangled reactor that
enabled the humans to breathe on Mars without wearing helmets.
Junior once got a kit with a diver in it. Before I knew it, the entire Pacific
Ocean was floating in my living room. You don't want to know what saltwater and
a hammerhead shark can do to a couch.
It's not a pretty sight.
And LEGO doesn't just damage your sofa. It can do some serious damage to
parents, too. Ask anyone who has been in their child's room after dark. That
room is a minefield of LEGOs. It's like the LEGOs were having a party and, once
the parent walks in, they scatter. And of course you step on the LEGO. Once you
do, the brick wedges itself into your heel causing a pain more intense than
childbirth.
If you are lucky enough to make it to the hospital--be careful. Only special
surgical teams trained in LEGO extraction can safely remove it. If you get an
inexperienced team, you may never walk again. At the very least, you can kiss
your cute summer sandals goodbye.
If that isn't enough to convince you that LEGOs are evil, consider this: LEGOs
come in kits. Oh, yeah, this sounds like a great idea. I mean, if your little
junior wants to make a model of the Pyramids, you just buy a LEGO kit that has
every piece you need, plus instructions. But wait! What if you lose the
instructions? Have you ever tried to figure out how to make the Sphinx using 497
pieces of LEGO without instructions? There are rocket scientists who cannot do
this.
And what happens when you lose one of the bricks from the kit? Forget it. You
can't make a Pyramid if the cornerstone brick is missing. You might as well burn
$80 on the barbecue, because the kit is useless--unless you step on it, of
course.
But the worst part of the LEGO legacy of evil is that they are addictive. It
doesn't seem that way at first. One day your child is a perfectly normal kid,
having fun with friends. Then he starts getting up early to make a quick racecar
before breakfast. Pretty soon, he stops sleeping--staying up all night long to
build a castle complete with moat, drawbridge and fire-breathing dragon.
Soon, his grades start to slip. All he thinks about are LEGOs. He's spending his
entire allowance on LEGO kits and he's going deeper in debt to the grandparents
so he can finance a huge purchase of LEGO with special features like working
windows.
It's sad. And there's no place to turn. It's hard to believe, but here in
America we don't have LEGO rehab. But we sure could use it. Because once your
child is addicted, nothing can part him from his LEGOs. Believe me, I know.
Harry still has his childhood LEGO collection. He's a grown man, for pete's
sake. And when we moved, his LEGOs were in a special box, hand-carried to the
new house.
The dog didn't even get such treatment.
So, you see? LEGOs are evil. If you still don't believe me, come summer, take a
look at my pinky toe. And remember--nobody can escape the wrath of the LEGOs.
Copyright 2003 Laurie Sontag
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