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Dear Lego:
Your recent announcement of the reintroduction of The Guarded Inn as the
vanguard of the LEGENDS series has met with oddly mixed reactions, ranging
from rabid enthusiasm to rabid acrimony. In the interest of clarifying the
community's reaction, and to prevent market confusion from delaying
forthcoming Lego Direct exclusives, I've compiled a small list of guidelines
for future product releases. The faster these guidelines can be
implemented, the happier the LEGO community will be:
1. Make available ASAP all sets that have ever been produced
at their original, non-inflation-adjusted prices
2. Allow purchasers full customization of part/color
combinations for those sets
3. Redesign all sets judged to be "Juniorized" to include no
single part that can be better represented by a combination
of multiple parts, but do not increase product cost
4. Redesign all vehicle sets judged to be "Juniorized" to include
opening doors, hoods, and trunks. This must be true even of
sets that include only bicycles, motorcycles, and three-wheelers
5. Please issue a new set of 100 cypress trees; using the accepted
piece:price ratio of $.10 per piece, this set should sell for
$10.00, preferably $9.95
6. In every set purchased through S@H, please include an accessory
pack of 100 windows from the so-called "classic" era of LEGO,
to wit, pre-1975. This window accessory pack must naturally
be subject to full customization and must not add to the final
product cost
7. Initiate a sales program allowing customers to purchase every
part ever manufactured in any desired color at or below
manufacturer's actual cost. These parts should be available
in quantities of one or more and must not be limited to parts
for which molds currently exist
8. Launch a new line of Train products. These should fall
in approximately the same price range as current Train
sets but should either:
a) provide 100% accurate minifig-scale
representation of real-world trains
or
b) establish a new "LEGO" gauge of at
least 32-stud car-width that utilizes
an AI-controlled interface
9. Eliminate all tangential product lines, sets, and merchandise
that cannot be directly incorporated into models constructed
using LEGO bricks. For that matter, eliminate all product
lines, sets, and merchandise not expressly approved by a
unanimity of AFOL opinion
10. Re-engineer the fundamental nature of ABS so that white and
light-colored elements are invulnerable to the effects of
sunlight and time. Further, please institute a one-to-one
exchange service so that bricks already sun-damaged as a
result of TLC's gross design negligence can be replaced
with pristine white pieces (which, again, are themselves
proof against entropy)
As you can see, our demands are neither extravagent nor arbitrary. Surely
after all our years of griping about your every positive move, you must be
eager to accomodate our every wish, no matter how capricious, impractical,
or profit-damaging. I hope I speak for the entirety of the online LEGO
community when I say you're on the right course, LEGO! I know that if we
work together we can continue to mold you in the the company we want you to be!
Dave!
(before I am savaged by indignant objectors, I remind everyone that this
is posted in OT.FUN for a reason!)
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Message has 1 Reply:
 | | Re: Dear Lego
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| In lugnet.off-topic.fun, Dave Schuler writes: <a really cool and really funny message that everyone on LUGNET should be made to read...if only to recognize themselves and have a good laugh at their own expense> But Dave, you completely forgot to (...) (23 years ago, 9-Jun-01, to lugnet.off-topic.fun)
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