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No, this isn't about science, or religion, or politics (though no doubt it
will transmogrify into that if it goes on long enough, but that is another
theory for another day).
It's about.....
(dramatic pause for effect)
...taking the dog for a walk.
Once the evening meal is done, and I stand up from the table, the dog perks
up. He's looking for several telltale clues. Do I put a coat on? Do I put
shoes on (assuming I have them off). Do I say, "Do you...(want to go for a
walk?" but I never get that far anymore)? Do I move to open the front door?
Or, most definitive action of all, do I make a move towards the leash?
There's nothing my dog loves more than a walk, and for better or worse he is
smart enough to apply deductic logic as to clues on when he is about to go
for a walk. When he sees one of the clues, his ecstasy level mounts. (Dog
POV) He's putting on his shoes, he's moving towards the door, he is saying
the magic words, "Do you...?" Oh yes, yes! Bliss! Rapture! He then
starts barking loudly, and does his little doggy dance of ecstasy by the
front door while awaiting the attachment of the leash and the opening of the
door.
We now make a left turn on the path to taking the dog for a walk. This is
not really about just taking the dog for a walk.
All that barking attracts the attention of.....
(dramatic pause for effect....)
....the cat!
It should be noted that this cat hates everyone. She never ever claws or
bites, but she is quite happy (so to speak) to hiss and spit at anyone who
has the effontery to pick her up and try and pet her. But for some reason,
she likes to tag along on walks. This isn't unique among cats, but in my
experience, it's something female cats are more likely to do than males.
Now, dogs and cats don't have quite the same approach to walks. The dog
excitedly rushes from tree, to bush, to fire hydrant, to lamppost. These
are message boards proclaiming who has passed this way recently, to which
the dog appends his own comments. The cat is a familiar one that can be
bullied at leisure at home: do not waste valuable walk time on the cat!
Cats, on the other hand, dart from bush to car to corner looking for cover,
and loudly complain if you get too far ahead or there is too much commotion
and they are afraid to advance. They start and stop, hurry and walk, dash
ahead and lag behind, look for high ground and an avenue of retreat.
So now everyone in the neighborhood knows my cat. She's famous as the cat
that goes for a walk along with the dog. If they see the dog and not the
cat, they ask where she is (either skulking along and hasn't been spotted,
or out slaying one of God's little creatures as is her prerogotive, or
sleeping).
But then, this isn't simply about the dog and the cat, it's about....
(yes, dramatic pause to build some tension)
...the bird. The bird is an African Grey Parrot. Famed as the very best
talkers, they have a reputation of being reclusive. So you have to
socialize them. Take them out when other people are around, make sure that
everyone in the household handles him, etc.
So, my wife wants to make the next step - after all the bird will most
likely outlive us and be passed to my son (the bird is four and can live to
be 60). She wants to be able to take him with us when we go to visit relatives.
This introduces a problem. Parrots are prey animals, and African Greys are
jumpier than most on top of it. So, to control him when we take him
outside, she got him a....
(oh God, no!)
....a leash. You have to affix a harness to the bird and attach the leash.
Did I mention that African Greys crack open almonds for a
living...literally? Did I mention that African Greys are prey animals and
are jumpy? That they have a really nasty beak? That attaching the harness
means physically putting your hands an inch from a beak that has a 360
degree strike radius?
Now, I had actually prepared for this in a way long before my wife got Her
Bright Idea. I slowly got the bird used to be handled and being touched so
that he gained confidence that he was okay. But when it was time for the
harness, I could see the little birdy gears turning in his not-so-little
birdy brain when I told him "No bite". He'd repeat "No bite" back, and it
would balk him for a second or two. Give him credit, he was trying to be
good. I could see the conflict as primordial urges fought with training.
But then nature took over and he freaked.
One of the problems with a bird that is as smart as an African Grey is that
if you aren't careful, they can train you (and you don't realize it). So I
was prepared: I had on cycling gloves that left just enough of my fingetips
exposed so that I can handle the clasps. He can bite, but it doesn't hurt.
The first time was a struggle (an odd combination of the African Grey growl
at the harness and the constant seeking of a reassuring kiss), but
subsequent sessions are getting easier as the bird gets used to the process
of putting on the harness.
Anyway, I impart that as a measure of the looniness that is to follow. Yes....
(one last cheap dramatic pause)
...the spectacle of me taking the cat, the dog AND the bird for a walk, all
at once. Now I'm really famous around the neighborhood (taking just the
dog, someone mentioned to me that there was this guy who takes a dog, and a
cat, and a bird for a walk - have I seen it yet?). I don't need to tell
people the name of any of the animals because I can't point to them, say
"Who's that?" and the bird will say their name and add their signature sound
(the dog's triple warning bark "Barbarbark", or the cat's specific miaow,
dead-on imitations).
So, all this was to prepare you for this question: have I gone off the deep end?
Bruce
(just trying to lighten the day for once)
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